Lolinolixia
or
The
Goddess of the Internet
as
translated by Michael West III
from
the
Lol
Tablets
“Oh,
sweet Muse, tell me, your heaven-bid scribe, upon the great Goddess
known as Lolinolixia. Grant me the wisdom of prosperity upon hearing
your utterance of the sweet mistress of the Internet.”
- Ancient
ritual poem from the Lol cult of Lolinolixia
Lolinolixia,
born of Athena and Hermes, is the Goddess of the Internet or also
known, by the Lol cult, as the “sweet mistress” of the Internet.
Lolinolixia, bearing divinity over cats, the Internet, and online
pirating, bears chaotic goodness upon the world. Holding a sigil and
emblem of the wondrous Grumpy Cat, Lolinolixia is attended by the
Internet nymphs Wikia and Wi-fios, and can be seen riding her
powerful steed named Lan.
Lolinolixia's
birth is recorded in the Lol
Tablets;
“Finding
the world of post-Cold War peace, the Gods and Goddesses of Olympus
decided to get fussed up and primped and proper, and hold a
gathering, with Dionysus providing veritable wines from his vineyards
and Pan headlining as DJ for the get-together. As the hours of the
party continued to float away, the deities found themselves in
groups or pairs, conversing and generally getting along. Many found
themselves coupling up, trysting off in various corners of Zeus'
newest heavenly renovated palace. One such heavenly Olympic couple
found themselves with enough of Dionysus' wine in them that
habitations and clothes left. Both, waking after a night of Pompeian
passion, found themselves at loss of words and holding a basket,
within it a bundle of cloth with the Sweet Mistress of the Internet
laying within....”
The
offspring of Lolinolixia as made known in the Lol
Tablets;
“Lolinolixia,
seeing the Internet as a yet un-proven and un-tilled soil of beauty,
gave birth to a daughter, which she gave the sight of knowledge and
the vast reaches of humanity's knowledge. Upon seeing that her
creation was a beauty, gave her the name of Google. Her sons
Piratebaya and Wikileakxio, sprang up, created by the Sweet Mistress
in times of humanity's wickedness.”
A
challenge to the young Lolinolixia and the Internet, as read in the
Lol
Tablets;
“As
the realm of the Internet was still but young in life, there was a
man, a powerful vice-consul of a once-great nation, who was named
Algorix. Algorix led a campaign through-out the capital city to gain
favor and support in the next assembly vote for consul – as the
previous consuls had come of age of retirement and leisured assisted
living. Algorix, sensing his powerful allies within the senatorial
assembly were finding favor with Algorix' opponents in the
consul-vote, as man named Dubbja. Algorix, then decided to thumb his
nose towards favor and fate of the Gods upon Olympus and make his
own destiny – even if it led to his demise.
Standing
below his counterparts, on the assembly floor, Algorix began to
regale a tale of creation and wonder – of building a vast and
beautiful network, that which being far superior to that of
Lolinolixia. All those gathered, upon hearing his heretical speech,
fell silent in awe of Algorix' heathendom towards the domain of
Lolinolixia.
The
Sweet Mistress, upon hearing Algorix' blasphemous heresy, walked upon
the Earth as a mere woman-child, barely over the age of
first-blood. Standing next to Algorix, the Sweet Mistress bade
Algorix to recant his tale, or else be doomed to failure and
unending ridicule. Algorix, finding his ego to have inflated over his
control, bade no recantation and only merely challenged the
woman-child to silence herself. While temporarily blinding the
assembly, Lolinolixia came upon Algorix in her true Olympic form,
causing Algorix to burn in a Vulcan-powered heat, completely
destroying and killing Algorix upon the spot...”
The
story of a once-great nation and Lolinolixia's favored hero of
humanity;
“Finding
the human world to be up to no good, Lolinolixia found favor upon the
young hero known as Edward Snowden – taking him and sending him
upon the perilous journey of disclosing various political and
governmental discrepancies created by a once-great nation. With
Lolinolixia's guidance and strength, Snowden successfully completed
his journey and adventure to open the eyes of the world to how dark
and previously-unknown the then-great-nation had become. For his
greatness and bravery in the face of innumerable and objectionable
enemies and obstacles, Lolinolixia rewarded her favored hero Edward
Snowden with the gift of Sanctuary within the country of Putinland,
then known as the ancient country of Russia....”
Thus
concludes the inscriptions found upon the Lol
Tablet,
as
the rest of the Tablet
was damaged with no remaining fragments found, as of late.
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