Finding You in the Bottom of the Glass

This isn't easy to write, you know?
It's Christmas Eve, and instead
of sleeplessness because of presents -
I get to wrestle with the demons you left me.

Wandering around the busy malls and stores,
I swear I see you around every shelf and corner,
I try to laugh and make your face disappear,
yet I can hear your laugh over mine still.

Whiskey and cigarettes,
here's to drowning and burning the memories away,
Christmas and New Year's will eventually pass,
maybe the memories of you will just be a
bad taste in my mouth.

Coup de Grace

The sun sets on another day without you,
no tears were shed,
no curling into a ball and pleading for your return,
I lived another day without the pain of you hanging on my back,
I've set the memories of you on fire,
I'm not gonna stop until they burn.

I have this much pain built up,
this fire will last a while,
how does a person not see what a monster you were,
how was I blind for almost a year running?
I've only realized how angry I've become,
how many missed chances that I never took,
how many smiles that you ripped off with a look of daggers and ice.

I roll over and look at her face,
No longer do I hide my affection pouring from every throbbing inch of me,
She's everything that you never were,
Here I thought you were my coup de grace.

One Week Later

Every single nightmare I had while we dated is gone,
I'm able to stop worrying, stop fretting,
I can close my eyes and not be afraid
of what fresh hell awaits when I open them,
It has been a week, and I am already on my way
to forgetting you.

I no longer curl up into a ball when I think of you,
I've laughed harder and louder then when I was with you,
I smile without grimacing or hoping no one sees
the mask I'm wearing,
I can bloody eat cheese again!

I know you will call this narcissism or egomania or selfish behavior -
but too long did I concede for you,
too long did I let myself be lost to
whatever fancy or whim entered your mind.

It's been a week, and already your name is vanishing
from my lips,
already the memories of the feel of your skin
and the sight of your smile
leaves me,

I know this will take time, longer than I figure,
but I will be over you,
I won't go somewhere or do something and be
thrashed by the memories we had,
It will take time, but soon you will be a distant lesson
in what not to do in my life,
soon you will be what was - not what is.

You may never read this, but this is my final goodbye,
I'm moving on to sweeter airs and stronger loves,
I should worry about you and what pain has been caused,
but after searching within, no longer will the pain be inside,
This is me moving on, without doubt,

whether it is right or wrong,
this is me opening my eyes, seeing what newness awaits me tomorrow.

Truthful Breakdown

I used to yearn for your body at 3 am,
cry out for your voice in the morning,
dream of your smiles every second,
but what happened to the rings on my fingers,
what happened to the diamonds of emotions,
reflecting back what I thought were perfect memories.

Now I sit alone, pounding my head,
what the hell happened to us, to me?
I never questioned anything between us,
I wanted only beauty and fun,
but when we finally came back together,
we were no longer the same.

Anxiety and depression rotted the bond away,
both were clinging by barely a thread,
it only took me to realize that we weren't working,
the thread went up in flames.

I can't help but utter these awful words,
I don't know if I can help you through yours,
I'm racking my brain against my own anxiety,
and I don't know if I can say I love you anymore,
if I don't even love myself anymore.