I'm Not O.K. (And That's O.K.)

I walk into my room and your scent hits me,
I'm not ok.
I say your name instead of someone else's,
I'm not ok.
One of our songs comes on the radio,
and I'm not ok.
I hear your voice call my name in a crowded room,
and I'm not ok.
I always look around me in a communal area, for fear you're near, and I'm not ok.
I fear burdening my friends with this pain from you,
and I know I'm not ok.
I walk into the office, close my eyes, and tell our tale,
and I know I'm not ok.
I share my pain with someone, and in their eyes I can see,
I'm not ok.
I look at my reflection, make a face to make myself laugh,
and while sound comes out, etched around my eyes are the lines that read, I'm not ok.
I'm curled up in bed tighter than noose around a dishonorable man's neck, and I hear through sobs,
I'm not ok.
I wake from dreams of me screaming I'm not ok, and I realize, I'm not ok -

And that's ok.

I see how far I've come without you,
and I'm ok.
I hear the sighs of relief off the rooftops too high to survive from,
and I'm ok.
I sing the chorus to one of our songs loud,
and I'm ok.
I claw my way back to humanity,
and I'm ok.
They hold my hands and whisper,
I'm ok.
I laugh hard at a joke for the first in a long time,
and I'm ok.
Someone tells me that they've liked me for a few years,
I'm ok.
It is becoming less and less lonely in bed,
and I know I'm ok.
No longer do sunrises and sunsets feel so bittersweet,
and I'm ok.
I can hold my head up now,
and I know -

I'll be ok.

One Month Later

I've walked the same halls,
sat in the same booths and ate the same food,
sung at the top of my lungs to the same lyrics,
slowly the memories change,

It was supposed to be forever and always,
but our lives had changed,
one of us grew up, the other not so much,
and suddenly the two became only one,

The tears and pain are still there,
mingling and dissapating amongst the new;
new adventures, memories, friends, excitement -
the memories of past which had rotten inside,
are being changed for fresher times,

No regrets for what we had,
Only regrets that we ended so badly,
I'm changing my life with each new breath,
I'm moving on, and I'm no longer sorry.

Drifting through Life

Looking back on the shores of security and past memories,
desperately paddling back
but the winds of time push us farther out
into the ocean of adulthood,
forcing us to make decisions --
to drift or to drown,

Friends drifting on bottles of whiskey and wine,
on cigarette packs and scars of relationships,
All of us hoping that there isn't a crack,
that there are no holes,
fearing we'll go under,
like our dear friends of old.

Rocks of goals,
smashing our dreams into failures,
Sirens of uselessness call us
spinning our bottles into whirlpools of depression,
how tight we hold on as we sink lower,
some of us get lucky and come out all right,
some of us we'll have to meet on the Other Side.

Words from a 20-something year old
fall on deaf old ears,
See my generation falling around you
you haven't learned everything,
life will give you one last lesson --
your kingdoms will fall to the tides of our tears.

Finding You in the Bottom of the Glass

This isn't easy to write, you know?
It's Christmas Eve, and instead
of sleeplessness because of presents -
I get to wrestle with the demons you left me.

Wandering around the busy malls and stores,
I swear I see you around every shelf and corner,
I try to laugh and make your face disappear,
yet I can hear your laugh over mine still.

Whiskey and cigarettes,
here's to drowning and burning the memories away,
Christmas and New Year's will eventually pass,
maybe the memories of you will just be a
bad taste in my mouth.

Coup de Grace

The sun sets on another day without you,
no tears were shed,
no curling into a ball and pleading for your return,
I lived another day without the pain of you hanging on my back,
I've set the memories of you on fire,
I'm not gonna stop until they burn.

I have this much pain built up,
this fire will last a while,
how does a person not see what a monster you were,
how was I blind for almost a year running?
I've only realized how angry I've become,
how many missed chances that I never took,
how many smiles that you ripped off with a look of daggers and ice.

I roll over and look at her face,
No longer do I hide my affection pouring from every throbbing inch of me,
She's everything that you never were,
Here I thought you were my coup de grace.

One Week Later

Every single nightmare I had while we dated is gone,
I'm able to stop worrying, stop fretting,
I can close my eyes and not be afraid
of what fresh hell awaits when I open them,
It has been a week, and I am already on my way
to forgetting you.

I no longer curl up into a ball when I think of you,
I've laughed harder and louder then when I was with you,
I smile without grimacing or hoping no one sees
the mask I'm wearing,
I can bloody eat cheese again!

I know you will call this narcissism or egomania or selfish behavior -
but too long did I concede for you,
too long did I let myself be lost to
whatever fancy or whim entered your mind.

It's been a week, and already your name is vanishing
from my lips,
already the memories of the feel of your skin
and the sight of your smile
leaves me,

I know this will take time, longer than I figure,
but I will be over you,
I won't go somewhere or do something and be
thrashed by the memories we had,
It will take time, but soon you will be a distant lesson
in what not to do in my life,
soon you will be what was - not what is.

You may never read this, but this is my final goodbye,
I'm moving on to sweeter airs and stronger loves,
I should worry about you and what pain has been caused,
but after searching within, no longer will the pain be inside,
This is me moving on, without doubt,

whether it is right or wrong,
this is me opening my eyes, seeing what newness awaits me tomorrow.

Truthful Breakdown

I used to yearn for your body at 3 am,
cry out for your voice in the morning,
dream of your smiles every second,
but what happened to the rings on my fingers,
what happened to the diamonds of emotions,
reflecting back what I thought were perfect memories.

Now I sit alone, pounding my head,
what the hell happened to us, to me?
I never questioned anything between us,
I wanted only beauty and fun,
but when we finally came back together,
we were no longer the same.

Anxiety and depression rotted the bond away,
both were clinging by barely a thread,
it only took me to realize that we weren't working,
the thread went up in flames.

I can't help but utter these awful words,
I don't know if I can help you through yours,
I'm racking my brain against my own anxiety,
and I don't know if I can say I love you anymore,
if I don't even love myself anymore.